Why Do We Keep Having the Argument? Understanding Negative Cycles in Relationships
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Have you ever said to yourself…
Why do we keep spinning our wheels in these conversations?
How did we end up here? I was just trying to share how I felt.
It feels like we're just beating a dead horse.
Why does the argument always turn into something bigger?
It doesn't feel like we're arguing about the house being cleaned. It feels MUCH bigger than that.
If you said yes to any of these, take a deep breath. You aren't alone. You and your partner are likely caught in what Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) calls a "negative cycle." Your negative cycle is just another term for conflict. The phrase "negative cycle" captures how conflict can form a challenging interactional pattern between you and your partner. At times, it can leave you feeling stuck, like you're unable to get out of it. This is a normal process for almost all couples (because I don't speak in absolutes). Conflict, disagreement, tension…it's inevitable in close partnerships.
Here's the good news - there's a way out that can actually create connection and security in your relationship. Yes, conflict can actually lead to connection. Let that sink into your nervous system for a minute. Often, what you can’t see playing out are attachment needs being missed and vulnerabilities sparking protective responses in yourself and your partner.
How Attachment Plays into Your Negative Cycle
You may have heard about attachment theory from your favorite Instagram therapist, or maybe from a friend who just finished reading Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. Knowing your attachment style has become quite the topic of conversation lately, and for good reason. At its core, attachment theory recognizes that we are wired for connection, community, and relationship. Because of this, we each develop our own way of coping with connection and disconnection, shaped by the relationships and support systems we had around us growing up.
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Those early experiences quietly follow us into adulthood, especially into our closest romantic relationships. They shape our attachment needs, our longings, and our deepest vulnerabilities. So when conflict arises with our partner, and we sense disconnection, whether that's between our partner or something stirring within ourselves, our attachment alarm bells can start ringing.
Those alarm bells might sound like, "disconnection isn't safe." This can happen when we grow up often having to manage our emotions on our own, leaving us feeling isolated, alone, or like our feelings were simply too much for others to hold. Or the alarm bells might sound a little different, something like, "my partner's raised voice means I've done something wrong." When we've learned over time to interpret someone else's upset as our fault, it makes sense that our instinct becomes to remove ourselves from the situation, and to believe that everyone, including our partner, might just be better off if we stepped away.
These attachment-driven responses then shape the way our conflicts play out with our partner, leading to a chain of interactions that is, in its own way, trying to help us self-soothe feelings like failure, like we are making things worse, or like our emotions are too big and will cause us to end up alone.
Understanding Your Negative Cycle: Using It to Your Advantage
So we can see how a negative cycle can develop out of unmet attachment needs and fears getting triggered. Let's take a look at how it actually shows up and what some common negative cycles look like. A prompt I often use to help couples connect to their cycle is:
The more you ___, the more I ___
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The more you shut down, the angrier I get because I can't reach you to comfort me.
The more you get angry with me, the more I shut down because I feel like I am failing you.
The more you defend yourself, the more critical I get because I feel like you aren't fully understanding what hurts.
The more you criticize me, the more I feel the need to defend myself, because I am afraid you are seeing me as a disappointment.
This cycle is fueled by external or internal triggers that set off our attachment alarm bells and activate our partner's protective responses, responses that are trying to help us cope with what feels painful on the inside.
The good news is that the more you begin to understand your negative cycle and the protective moves you and your partner make to cope with these attachment fears and longings, the more you can use that understanding to cope together as a team and find more connection.
The Foundation of EFT Therapy for Couples in Denver
Tracking and discovering the elements of your negative cycle is one of the foundational pieces of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). As your EFT therapist, I will help you understand the motivations behind your protective responses with curiosity and empathy, while also helping you uncover the core vulnerabilities that activate them. Through this process, you will learn to de-escalate your negative cycle and work with one another rather than against each other.
At the heart of this dance between you and your partner are deep longings to experience closeness, security, and safety towards the parts of us that have not felt safe. EFT couples therapy helps you learn how to reach for each other and comfort one another, which in turn helps you get unstuck from your negative cycle.
If you are interested in learning more about EFT Therapy for couples, reach out today, and I would be happy to walk you through what the process looks like and answer any questions you have.