Discernment Counseling in Denver, Colorado

Turning doubt into clarity and direction

Does any of this sound familiar?

One of you keeps bringing up divorce/breaking up, but neither of you is actually doing anything about it
You find yourself wondering if this marriage/relationship is over, but couples therapy doesn't feel like the right answer
You're paralyzed by the distance between you, where one person has one foot out the door, and the other seems to be holding on
You've tried so hard for so long, you don't know if you have anything left to give

You might be in a position where you and your partner are so stuck that you have found yourself thinking about or bringing up the idea of divorce or separation. In some instances, doubt forms as a way for our brain to search for any possible solution to the pain. If we are this stuck, if it hurts this much, then maybe this means we need to just be done? In other instances, you may find yourself out of energy and unable to move forward.

This can be an incredibly painful and disorienting experience, one that causes so many couples in Denver and across Colorado to feel frozen in their decision-making and lacking the clarity they need on how to move forward. The weight of this decision can feel paralyzing.

This is where Discernment Counseling comes in

Discernment Counseling is an option that many couples, and frankly, many therapists, don't know much about. So, what is Discernment Counseling?

Discernment Counseling is a specialized protocol developed by Dr. William J. Doherty that is specifically designed to help couples gain clarity when one or both partners are ambivalent about the future of their relationship. Unlike couples therapy, this process acknowledges your uncertainty and pulls your focus toward understanding it. In Discernment Counseling, you are not processing the impact of your arguments or rehashing what has gone wrong. It is about finding a clear path forward.

So many couples have faced similar circumstances, where the doubt begins to overshadow every positive interaction you and your partner have left. Research shows that many couples initiate the divorce process while experiencing a lack of confidence in their decision. They find themselves stuck in limbo, kicking the proverbial can down the road, while living like roommates for months on end.

Maybe you've tried traditional marriage counseling before and found yourself more hurt, more distant, more convinced it's hopeless. Maybe you and your family have faced immense external turmoil like the death of a loved one, a significant job loss, or a major life transition that makes the idea of separation feel impossible to navigate right now. You might be worried about your children and how ending your relationship will impact them, wondering if you're being selfish or if you're actually doing what's best for everyone. These are all common experiences that many couples I've worked with have faced.

Your concerns are valid. Your struggles are real.

You don't have to figure it out all on your own

In Discernment Counseling, there are three paths:

Path 1: Remain in the status quo
Path 2: Move toward separation or divorce
Path 3: Make a six-month commitment to couples therapy with divorce off the table and clearly defined personal goals

Discernment Counseling is a short-term process that typically lasts between 1-5 sessions. Its singular focus is to help you decide which of these three paths is right for you and pulling you out of the painful limbo where you've been stuck.

As your Discernment counselor, it is my job to help challenge you both to understand how you got here, and take the time to fully consider all your options. I recognize that this is a deeply challenging and important process that deserves thoughtful support.

What does the Discernment Counseling Process look like?

With advanced training in the Discernment Counseling protocol, I make it a priority to keep the structure of the process true to its design. The initial session is 100 minutes long, and couples can have up to 5 sessions total, with the goal being that a decision is made by the final session. I always emphasize that it’s common for many couples to need more than one session to make such an important decision.

In the first session, we'll start with you and your partner answering four foundational questions about the history of your relationship, children, and what you’ve done to reconcile your relationship.

After this initial portion, I'll spend structured individual time with each partner separately. During that time, we'll discuss where you are in your decision-making process, uncover any concerns you may have about committing to couples therapy, and identify what you've contributed to the patterns that have gotten you to this place of considering ending your relationship.

Once we've concluded your individual time, you'll share a summary with your partner. Then your partner will have their individual time with me, discussing the same topics. After each person has shared their summary and had their individual session, I'll reflect back any patterns I'm noticing and check in with both of you about whether you'd like to schedule another Discernment Counseling session.

What Happens After You Choose a Path?

No matter what path you choose, there will be an intentional plan for what comes next.

Path 1: Remaining in the Status Quo

For those who decide on Path 1, I validate this decision without judgment. About 18% of couples choose this path, often for meaningful reasons that make the decision to stay or leave difficult at this moment. This is still a viable and important decision that can bring relief from the pressure of having to decide right now.

In this case, we'll discuss: What will be the sign that it's time to revisit this decision? We can create a timeline that feels right for you to reconsider, and I'll schedule a follow-up to check in and see if you'd like to begin the Discernment work again.

Path 2: Separation or Divorce

If you and your partner have decided to end your marriage/relationship, I'll offer dedicated time to discuss how you want that process to look. I encourage a values-led, amicable divorce/separation process and will ensure that both of you have the space for important conversations about next steps. Additionally, I'll provide resources and referrals for professionals in the Denver area who are trained in amicable, child-centered separation and divorce processes.

Path 3: Six-Month Commitment to Couples Therapy

If you decide on path 3, then I'll spend time with each of you creating a personal agenda for change. Entering the couples therapy process with specific individual goals lays the groundwork for a positive and productive experience.

Additionally, we will discuss an agreement to pursue reconciliation and how to create a sense of safety where divorce is taken off the table for six months while you work on reconciling your relationship.

Ready to take the next step? Reach out today, and we’ll be in touch!

When I work with Discernment Counseling clients, I aim to support them in moving from:

Fixating on each other's failures → Bring understanding to your struggles
Numb and disconnected → Connected to what you want
Avoiding hard conversations → Feeling ready to engage with what comes next

After seeing so many couples in the Denver area start the couples therapy process while still in a state of confusion about their relationship, unknowingly committing to a process before sorting through their ambivalence, I've gained a deep passion and appreciation for supporting couples in this unique space.

I value being a guide in such an important decision-making process, with the hope that it can leave a lasting impact and create pathways for healing for each partner and their relationship, no matter which path they ultimately choose.

Let in Reflection and Release Your Doubt

Take Your Next Step Toward Clarity

Have more questions about the Discernment Counseling process? Feeling hesitant and need a space to talk through your concerns? Unsure whether you and your partner are good candidates for this work?

We are here for you! Reach out today for a complimentary 20-minute consultation where we can explore whether Discernment Counseling is the right fit for you.

Schedule a free 20 minute consultation

FAQs

While the goal is to reach a decision within 1-5 sessions, there's no pressure to decide before you're ready. Many couples find clarity within this timeframe, but if you need to pause and continue the discernment process later, that's completely okay. Additionally, in certain circumstances, we can schedule an additional session after the 5th one.
Absolutely. Discernment Counseling works for any committed relationship where you're facing the question of whether to stay together or separate. We recognize that doubt and ambivalence can exist in all relationships and that it can be just as difficult to navigate.
Affairs often bring couples to the point of considering divorce, and Discernment Counseling can be particularly helpful in this situation. The process allows space for both partners to explore their feelings about the affair, understand what led to it, and determine whether they want to attempt rebuilding trust or move toward separation.
Discernment Counseling doesn't have an agenda to save your marriage or to end it. At the same time the process is meant to challenge you and give you the clarity you need. Some couples who go through this process choose Path 3 and successfully rebuild their relationship. Others gain the clarity they need to separate amicably. Both outcomes can be considered "successful" if you feel confident and clear about your choice.